Minding Our Elders: Remembering Who They Were

For many suffering from painful or debilitating disease, death is the only real relief. For many caregivers, it is the same. Often, worn down by years of attending to the needs of a loved one; years of watching the mental decline from Alzheimers disease or other dementias; years of watching the frustration and suffering of a once articulate parent struck mute by a stroke, the caregiver also feels relief when the suffering person dies. That doesnt mean there isnt grief. But its often mixed with relief.

But then what? That is what my good friend asked me after her mother died. \r Her mother had suffered from Alzheimers for 10 years. After she died, we discussed what we do after we grieve. How do we remember the person who was? How do we travel back in time, before the dementia? Before the stroke? How do we rescue those precious moments in time, buried under layers of sickness? The sometimes abusive behavior toward the caregiver, by a once loving person? The sheer exhaustion from years of caregiving?

My dad had surgery to relieve pressure built up behind scar tissue in his brain. Dad, as we knew him, went into surgery. Another man came out. He spent 10 years in psychic hell, a semi-stranger in my dads body. Moms decline was a slow mental slide. She went into a nursing facility because of falls and severe arthritis, but dementia eventually nestled in her brain.

Like my friend who watched her mother decline into a childlike state, I was left wondering, who do I remember? How can I find those loving childhood memories and bring them out from under all of those years of pain?

It takes willingness. It takes focus. And it takes time. But I chose to begin the effort and I choose to continue making the effort. They deserve no less. My parents didnt ask to live their last years as they did. Nor did they choose how long the decline and dying process would take. I owe them the chance to be remembered as the smart, loving, funny people they were, before all of that.

God knows I couldnt forget those years of decline. And I dont want to. Its part of their lives and part of mine. But that is not what I want to remember first, when I think of them. I want to remember who they once were.

I am very slowly getting so that, when I see that I have a waiting phone message, I dont panic, expecting yet another trip to the emergency room. I am slowly putting those last years into perspective. Im remembering the parents who raised me. The grandparents who played silly games with my boys. Im remembering, with some effort, the whole of each person, not just fragmented pieces that remained at the end.

My friend and I agreed on this. We agreed that it was very hard, but well worth the effort, for our loved ones, and for ourselves. It does get easier, as time passes. I choose to remember the whole person, to honor the complete life rather than dwell on a slow, often demeaning death. I choose to remember them as they were.

For over twenty years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group the book Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. Her sites http://www.mindingourelders.com and http://www.mindingoureldersblogs.com include helpful links and agencies. Carols column, Minding Our Elders, runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines.

Men As Caregivers
Men are catching up. In the MetLife Study of Sons At Work (June, 2003), it was reported that Men are just as likely as women ...

Minding Our Elders: How Long Can I Do This?
When was the last time you listened to a bird? Noticed tree leaf buds bursting open on a spring day? Enjoyed a childs laugh ...

Minding Our Elders: How Do We Get Dad To Participate?
What do you do with Dad when sits alone, at adult day care, and sulks? How do you get Grandma to participate in the activitie...

Minding Our Elders: Grief Or Relief - Which Is It?
Carol, Im so sorry about your dad, people told me after he died. Im sure you miss him. They were right. I missed him terribly...

Minding Our Elders - Should We Move Mom and Dad Back Home?
The kids, Sally and Lance, still live up north Sally in Minnesota and Lance in Wisconsin. They would like their parents to m...

Minding Our Elders: Dad - Just Give Me the Keys!
Alice came in saying shed gotten lost. My mother-in-law had gone to the grocery store the same one shed shopped at for thirt...

Mental Health Services For The Elderly
One out of every five adult Americans suffers with mental illness. Some important mental health problems that occur during ol...

Community Elder Care
Community elder care helps to highlight elder care issues in the community and solve the problems faced by elderly people. It...

Elder Care Costs
Health management and the housing of elders are expensive in modern living conditions. To avoid irrelevant tax payments, fina...

Circle of Life
Approaching the second half-century of my life brings me to a new appreciation of the aged in our society. Mid-life does have...

Driver Safety Guide for Older Adults
Drivers over the age of 65 years most often travel alone in their own vehicles or with two or more occupants. For most older ...

Oops Mama Fell Get The Block and Tackle
Id rather leap down a flight of stairs blind-folded than to watch an elder fall. Falling is a very embarrassing experience fo...

Be Prepared For Assisted Living
Assisted living is simply finding help in the form of a care giver or a family member assigned to assist an elder who with il...

Mid Life Challenge: Helping Our Elderly Parents
One of the biggest issues facing baby boomers today is caring for their elderly parents. One in four boomers has quit their ...

From Childhood To Parenthood
As children, when we are hurt by someone or by some circumstance, feeling afraid, or alone and deserted, in a situation in wh...

Pastry Without Tears!
I may have a certificate in making pastry but I recommend this to those who think its laborious to produce pastry dough that ...

Safety At Home for Older Adults
Accidents at home are one of the leading causes of injury and death in the United States. Older adults who are aging-in-place...

Fear & Falls
Kids fall over all the time, only to get up and throw themselves right back into what they were doing before. But as we get o...

Online Single Dating - Adult Dating: Tips and Tricks
If you find yourself in the world of adult dating dont panic. There are many other adults just like you looking for a partner...

Elder Care
In the United States, people live longer and live well for longer periods of time. In fact, persons age 65 and above are the ...